So I haven't been very faithful to blogging. Which in these past few weeks are when I really should have. To make a long story short I'm going for a very scary MRI in the morning. I'm caught in a catch 22. I'm damned if they find something and I'm damned if they don't. I have been crying so hard over just being sick in general that I some how gave myself a broken ego and sore throat. I am sick to death of feeling so alone. Its completely true that once you get chronically ill that all your friends seem to disappear. How shitty is that seriously? One of the most demanding times of needing someone and no one is there to hold your hand. Being alone is the worse feeling in the world. My hardest thing is actually bringing my illness up to someone to start a conversation. This summer not to mention past year have been added to the list of the worse times in my life. I just wish I could take charge of my life again some one. Its hard when you only live with doubts. I know what the older I get the worse my condition will only get. I feel so trapted. Nothing is more painful then not being literally able to walk...and the worse part is you can't even begin to explain it to someone. I just literally feel like I am taking the world among my shoulders. At this point I'm once again questioning god with my faith broken to pieces on the floor. All I keep thinking is alright whats going to happen next.