..was how offically my weekend started out. a good combo i'd say. needless to say friday being a treatment day i was very sick by night fall. i experienced a whole new symptom that this nasty medication does to me now. it was so scary i felt that any second i was going to have to admit to shawn to take me to the emergancy room. it all started out leaving tgifridays after my yummy ribs. (which i keep saying ill never eat out anymore and i still do, but i've cut back)
I was sitting there waiting for our bill and out of no where this dazzy feeling hit me. Me being use to it I sat there thinking ok its just some chemo brain whatever. I'll just go home and sleep it off.
Suddenly everything started spinning and I felt like I was going to just pass out right there and then. When Shawn asked what was going on I just said I didn't feel good. (I don't want to freak someone out over "nothing".) It slowly eased up and so then we walked to the car on the 5 second walk I felt my body temp change in the matter of seconds I went from exteremly hot to were I was getting a heat rash to freezing. And when I mean freezing I was beyond shacking. This lasted for a good 20 minutes or so. And when I mean shaking I mean to the point where my body was just throbbing in pain.
If thats not weird enough this weirdness continued. Back at my house I wanted to change into comfy and warm clothes and got a warm blanket for our tv time hoping to just relax and let it go away. Then out of no where the stomach started going with mouth fulls of fun-ness. After that I could feel everything spinning again and still shaking like crazy I had no idea what to do. Since my body was already freaking out I was taking large deep breaths - but fast. Next thing I knew I felt my chest get tight. I felt like I couldn't breath. I was beyond scared right now. Never going threw this I was just scared and confused. Probably after another 20 minutes my breathing was more clear, calmer and slower thanks to Shawn trying to make me focus on breathing slowly in and out.
At this time I was crying like there was no tomorrow make up running everywhere. After this crazy mess I looked up the side effects (bookmarked) of this deathly medication again..turns out this is a known side effect to the drug. WTF!?! When they say "Methotrexate can cause serious or life-threatening side effects on your liver, lungs, kidneys, and bone marrow (immune system)." It isn't kidding. Thanks to it destroying my immune system, I can't seem to get over this pathetic cold. Not to mention the good ol' mouth sores a back again. Yayy for chemo meds....rightt. :o(
The rest of the weekend I've felt nasty and sick but Friday was the worse and scariest. I just want to be normal thats all I want from life right now. Without that school, a job, my beautiful apartment everything is on the back burner. I'm sick of the doctor visits, the iv's, the needles, the shots and the drugs. What makes me so upset is not a single on of my friends can understand what I am going threw on top of everyday life, school and what not.
I just can't seem to focus on anything but this mystery. I don't care about working, the he said she said drama, not the parties, not the gossip, not about my enemies, my faults or failures. Because all that will forever change and fade. It's just pathetic that it took me going threw something like this to open my selfish eyes to the world. There's no doubt about it, this has and will forever change me.
I'm going back to my surgen in the morning to see how I'm healing up. I know it will all go well I just want to talk to him about what else can be done...I'm really nervous to hear what he'll say. Well I'm going to get some rest.
PS. I saw the sweetest shooting star tonight....It kind of added to my good day =)
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